What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
