My Higher Power is John Stamos
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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