At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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