when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize