Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
