Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
