i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
