We got so high we made milksteak
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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