You're completely useless in the revolution.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize