I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
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