Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
