Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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