I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
