I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
