I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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