I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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