I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
