here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
