So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
