just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
im on a boat
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