Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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