do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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