It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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