today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
