a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
