i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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