I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize