well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
