and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
