I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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