I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
