he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize