Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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