Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just want nice things and good sex
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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