My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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