I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Randomize
