Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
