i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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