Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
