she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize