Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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