I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
