I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
