But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Randomize
