My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
