I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
