I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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