Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wish i was in the wii world.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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