I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
