All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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