The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
