I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize