I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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