Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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