According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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