i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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