Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I pour the whiskey from now on
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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