at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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