I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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