his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
