I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
