I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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