It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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